At the gym with my trainer last week, I was trying a new move in which I lay my back/shoulders perpendicular to the bench, bend at the knees, thrust my pelvis upward with a heavy barbell placed just above my most sensitive region. It didn't hurt and I got that muscle burn in my bum that I had trying to get so I was happy. Fast forward to later that week and TMS (the boyfriend) was brushing his teeth while I finished my shower only to have him spit out most of his toothpaste while shouting, "Good God! What happened to you?!" and pointing down there. A sprawling purple and green bruise covered parts unknown without my knowledge.
That is one bruised lady garden.
(Sorry, I have no picture to go here...)
But it's not the first time. Like a grown-ass woman, I was playing on a Slip and Slide in Nick's backyard yesterday. Yeah, we do that. Except someone forgot to get all the rocks out from under the plastic and I think I may have done it again. It doesn't look good.
I asked my friend, who's a nurse, to look at it for me. She said I won't be in any pornos anytime soon cause it looks like a prize fighters face but no permanent damage. "That's nothing," she said. "Check this shit out..." She pulled out her phone and shared some of the most horrifying images I've ever seen of a friends vagina. (yeah, we are a sharing bunch.)
"My leg went through the wood floor of a boat dock in Brazil and I landed right on my crotch. Full weight. I couldn't even make noise to cry for a full minute." Then the rest of the ladies began to share their own horror stories. My mom even busted out the tried and true tale of her biking accident when only part of her slipped off her very pointy bike seat and another part didn't... there were stitches involved. Worse than child birth? She said when she had me, at least she got an epidural.
Why do I share these intimate details with you, fair reader? Because I know I'm not alone in these misadventures and I know you feel our pain.
We are united in our clumsiness and I find that somehow comforting.
So go forth and be kind to all your parts!
(Sorry, still no pictures...)