Tuesday, September 4, 2012

How to Make a Birthday Cake in 10 Easy Steps

I make a horrible house wife. 

I am terrible at cleaning and vacuuming in lingerie and mostly I suck at baking. But it was The Mad Scientist's birthday and I wanted to make a cake for him. So I rolled up my sleeves, mentally prepared the cat and bought a LOT of butter.  So I'm proud to present... 

How to make a 4 layer white cake with red velvet heart-shaped core and red velvet crumble top with royal icing in 10 easy steps or your money back! 

1. Bake 4 round cakes. Remember oven mitts. (Fire hot. Indeed.) 

2. Take a can of icing, use like glue to stick two layers together. Don't use real glue. You should have 2 two layered circles of glue-free cake. Bake two round red velvet cakes. Crumble one once cool. Eat the other one with one hand like it were a fluffy red frisbee.


3. Start carving. (The cake, not a shive... That comes later.) Carve a cone into the center of one (concave), then dig a little pyrimid into the other(convex). Yeah, just look at the photo.   

Concave and convex, bitches.
4. Run out of icing. Decide you are awesome enough to make icing from scratch. Coat the kitchen in a delicate layer of powdered sugar. Make 'snow' angels on the kitchen floor. Fill in caves with crumbled red cake.

Fun fancy mixer.
5. Stack cakes precariously. Lapse into diabetic coma from all the icing testing. 

6. Briefly reevaluate your life choices.

7. Realize that you've come too far and ice the entire cake. Add remaining crumbled cake on top. Try not to think about how it kind of looks like ground beef.

8. Add candle.

9. Sing "Happy Birthday" to my dear sweet husband. (Remember to send AOL Time Warner royalty check tomorrow.)

10. Burn the kitchen to ashes since there's no going back after the horrible mess you made.

Nothing says 'love' like a blood red core to your cake.