Sunday, November 23, 2014

My life in movies

I was a scared child.

I was shy and terrified of all things outside my own little world. People were mean, unpredictable and  had little interest in me. So I spent my days in books, make-believe and most of all, movies.

I found appreciation for classical music through Amadaus, Moonstuck and Shine. Sara Connor showed me I could be stronger than any man, physically or otherwise.

I was always a good kid who followed the rules so Ferris Bueller gave me everything I ever wanted in the day off that I never took. The possibility of the perfect day were there in Groundhogs Day (after 34 attempts that is...)

I could have grand adventures even though I often found myself too scared to leave my house. Frodo and Sam took me to the farthest reaches of Middle Earth. The Millennium Falcon took me even farther.

I've fallen in love so many times. John Cusak in Say Anything and again in Grosse Pointe Blank. Indiana Jones. Han Solo. Humphrey Bogart

Or when love proved impossible, I would watch Amelie and know that I could have the courage to make love possible.  It's a Wonderful Life proved to me that every life matters, no matter how small or desperate. City Lights makes me feel that someone might someday see beneath me and view me for who I really am.

I'm not so sure that's true in life anymore.

I grasp at this little wisps of celluloid but can't find a good hand hold. I'm losing a hope that I always used to have. Perhaps I'm just getting old and this is just the natural progression of things.

But I have this nagging fog hanging over me, whispering that love is dead.

And I can't seem to shake it.