Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Clearing out the Junk

Who's this girl?

In a bit of early spring cleaning, I've discovered some old papers and journals. I have no idea who this girl is... I guess there's still a shadow in my brain where she lingers but there's no flesh memory. Just a silly girl who had witnessed no death or real sadness.

"Yes, my dears, I've been out in the sunlight. The flatlands of Oklahoma were calling to me so I packed up my crap and ran out of town last weekend. A mini reunion scheduled on Sunday, my family and I jumped in the RV and took off with Buster riding up front. It was so bitterly cold but so cool to be there. I hung out with my grandparents, went shopping with my grandma and slept in. Yeah sleep! And yeah video games; on the road, we watched movies, ate at (my brother) and I's favorite Mexican place and I beat the hell out of FFIX! It's like heaven!"

Who is that? Not me. It couldn't be.  She doesn't even sound like me. I don't have grandparents anymore. I don't really have a family. All our pets are gone. There's no time for this kind of thing anymore. No one was ever so carefree and na├»ve.

I want to slap the shit out of her and hold her tight, never let go.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Alienating your Cousins

Want to kick kinsmanship right in the fucking teeth? Sick of all these familiar connection clogging your flow? Well let's fix that.

Let's talk religion! Let's talk politics! Let's talk about how I think you should raise your kids! Let's get into some really personal details about your reproductive organs!

This is where I found myself this last weekend. All these topics reared their festive little heads at a wedding in Alabama where my fair cousin Tammy was marrying her high school sweetheart. Let's call him Lou. (Short for Loser.) Flying in Friday, I was happy to have trekked a thousand miles to be there and today, Sunday, I'm thinking I should ask for a family divorce. Or at least we need to see other people. 

When two families come together you are bound to get sparks but this evening was overly fire-filled. Mother of the groom got way to happy and grabbed my tit, which I'm only half sure it was an accident. The brother was burning the dance floor with his Riverdance and then (after 3 more Jim Beams and Coke) he was working it like an chickenhead in a Wiz Kalifa video. His Dick Swing up on Nana was impressive. 

Needless to say, I drank way too much. I think I probably cursed too much. I know I told one of the grooms friends that I was a stripper. I told another one I was a buyer for a Vegas hotel chain. Then, as you do when you're drunk and bored at a wedding in Alabama, I sold the busboy my panties. They weren't my favorite pair or anything so don't cry for me.

So I'm hungover at this airport without much else to say except this - Always pack one more pair of underwear than you think you need because you never know when you'll want to sell them to a stranger.