Sunday, March 8, 2015

Alienating your Cousins

Want to kick kinsmanship right in the fucking teeth? Sick of all these familiar connection clogging your flow? Well let's fix that.

Let's talk religion! Let's talk politics! Let's talk about how I think you should raise your kids! Let's get into some really personal details about your reproductive organs!

This is where I found myself this last weekend. All these topics reared their festival little heads at a wedding in Alabama where my fair cousin Tammy was marrying her high school sweetheart. Let's call him Lou. (Short for Loser.) Flying in Friday, I was happy to have trekked a thousand miles to be there and today, Sunday, I'm thinking I should ask for a family divorce. Or at least we need to see other people. 

When two families come together you are bound to get sparks but this evening was overly fire filled. Mother of the groom got way to happy and grabbed my tit, which I'm only half sure it was an accident. The brother was burning the dance floor with his Riverdance and then (after 3 more Jim Beams and Coke) he was working it like an chickenhead in a Wiz Kalifa video. His Dick Swing up on Nana was impressive. 

Needless to say, I drank way too much. I think I probably cursed too much. I know I told one of the grooms friends that I was a stripper. I told another one I was a buyer for a Vegas hotel chain. Then, as you do when you're drunk and bored at a wedding in Alabama, I sold the busboy my panties. They weren't my favorite pair or anything so don't cry for me.

So I'm hungover at this airport without much else to say except this - Always pack one more pair of underwear than you think you need because you never know when you'll want to sell them to a stranger.

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