People who should be scolded harshly:

*McFly: for covering Queens "Don’t stop me now" so horribly
*People who litter
*People who don't wave when you let them in your lane
*People with no sense of humor
*Women who don't respect themselves and pass that on to their daughters, nieces, etc
*Peaberry: for making a horrible cup of coffee and god-awful food
*That mean old lady who accosted me at the art supply store. (Did you know testing an art marker is a deadly offense?) Life is good; smile dammit!
*The people who bought our house and wouldn't give me my grandma's chandelier

I ♥ pachinko.

I love it.

It's simple and requires almost no skill but you get the payoff of flashing lights and fun noises.

For those of you who don't know about this popular Japanese game, what have you been doing??

The pachinko machine is Japan's answer to the slot machine. They're loud, bright and addictive. Instead of tokens or coins, small metal balls are put into the machine and they feed into it and drop down through the panel between the glass and board, hitting pins along the way. (For anyone who watched The Price is Right, it's like Plinko.) If the balls fall down into a certain slot, you win more balls. Once you are done, you exchange your pachinko balls for prizes or tokens. (250 balls = about 1000 yen = about $10.25) It is illgal to gamble so that why they give prizes instead. Although, if you want cash, you simply take your tokens around the corner and there will be a store that exchanges them into cash for you. The authorities tolerate this because, technically, they aren't breaking any laws. Ahhh, the japanese and their rules... and exceptions to those rules...

The newer versions look more like vertical pinball with video screens and more moving parts. If you get a ball into the center gate, a series of reels will spin in the center, a video will play and if you're lucky, you get all 3 reels the same and you get the jackpot! (aka a crap load of little metal balls.) They have been customized to almost anything. Star War pachinko. Indiana Jones. Every anime possible. Under the sea, pirates, sex, outer space, everything!

I've been looking for one to buy for myself for a long time but haven't found the right one... It has to work, as I am not very handy and wouldn't know the first thing about how to fix it... and since they are so so heavy and fragile, especially the older ones, if I could find one that I can pick up, instead of shipping that would be best. I've done ebay and craigs list and haven't found exactly what I want...

But one day, it will be mine! And what an awesome birthday /Xmas /Hanuka /no-reason-I'm-just-awesome/Arbor day that will be!

Attack!

I had a panic attack in a crowded market in LA.

I got out of the van, fumbled for my things and went straight into the market. There was a news helicopter circling a group of cop cars on the corners; so loud. I walk into the market, following The Chief left, right, around, back down. He was starving and needed something but couldn't decide. Cajun, crepes, seafood, fruit, vegetables, cakes, candy, burritos, meat... too much. So many smells. We were dodging people left and right. LA people walk like they drive. All of them were talking. Too loud. He grabbed a slice and we sat but I couldn't take it. He asked me if I was ok and I bit his head off. We argued. I couldn't breathe.

I was freaking out.

I eventually settled down. He figured out I wasn't a bitch... I was having a panic attack. I was overstimulated and hungry and tired. Just as I was settling down, I had an asthma attack. (Every time I go to California, I have one... weird.) All the damned ash in the air had finally won their way into my lungs.

I sat on the curb, focusing, trying to control my breathing. (my inhaler was about 2000 miles away...) I watched the flecks of ash scurry along the sidewalk. I was quite a sight. Sprawled out in my new dress on the sidewalk, trying to catch my breath outside a farmers market while police helicopters circled above me, cursing between wheezes.

It's hard to be a lady when you can't breathe.

The Chief took us back to his place, a sweet little house with an avocado tree in the backyard, and I fell right asleep. All that wears a girl out.

On a jet plane...

Off to LA; have a loverly weekend!!

True love

I'm having an existential love crisis.

My grandmother developed breast cancer a few years ago. She was the quintessential grandmother. She was always funny, sweet, loving and dignified. Even when my mom was hysterical and upset, my Granny always seemed under control. (at least she always was in front of me, which is a testament to what kind of woman she was.) After chemo, losing her hair, energy and so many other things, she was cancer free! 2 months later she was feeling tired again; the cancer was back and with a vengeance. She wouldn't recover this time. It had spread to her bones and brain. We were hoping she would make it to Christmas. She didn't.

We drove to the funeral, about a thousand miles. My mother was obviously upset. She was angry too. I sat next to her as the evangelical preacher with the big hair eulogized my Granny as "Paula"... not her name. I'm sure she would have laughed about that but I was pissed.

10 days after the funeral, my family came to stay at my parents house for Christmas. My uncle's color in his face got better since he was eating real food. And my grandpa cried a lot. It's hard to see a father figure in your life cry...

We had banded together as a family and I truly believed that we would be better for it. Little did anyone know that within 4 months my grandpa would start seeing another woman.

They plan to get married early next year.

My Granny will be gone for 2 years this Christmas. She had told my mom before she died that she knew this woman would weasel her way into his life. She made my mother promise to not let that woman get all the things that were supposed to go to her family. She didn't want that woman to have the family heirlooms.

So 6 weeks ago we got a UHaul and drove the thousand miles again and cleaned my grandpa out. We took the sofas, tables, chairs. We took the old records, dresses, fabric. I took all her sewing supplies and costume jewelry. Anything that meant anything, my mother wanted out of the house. She was so angry at him. I understood why she felt that way but I didn't feel that way myself. Until last Monday.

I was unpacking boxes in my studio. I was marveling how unorganized it all was; the paint brushes were thrown in the box with all the yarn and thread everywhere. We had packed like we were on a sinking ship. Next to a bundle of ink pens I found a box with pink roses on it. It was labeled "Love Letters". (My Granny was the label queen!) I carefully opened the letters and read, one after another. My grandpa had written some of the most beautiful and sweet letters. On the back of his math homework, he had written that he pledged his love to her for all time. While he was in boot camp, he wrote how much he missed her and that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

I couldn't stand it. Was it all a lie? Did he change his mind after all these years? Was this how true love ends? Not happily ever after but with deceit, lies, weakness and betrayal? Are all men like this? Can they all write this stuff and not mean it? Do women do this too? I know I couldn't... Was it a lie when he wrote it? Do people get caught up in the 'fluff' love and never have true love? I don't understand...

This has rocked me at my core. As much as I hate to admit it, I have always been a dreamer. I believe that love conquers all. I believe in happily ever after. I believe that you find that special person and you make a life together and you love that person for the rest of your life. Together, you take on the harsh world. The love you have lives forever. True, I never expected my grandpa to die alone. He doesn't have to because his wife of 50 years died but I didn't expect this...

Today, I don't want to get married. Ever. Love is a sham. A lie that we tell ourselves. It's really about finding someone who doesn't drive you crazy and cohabiting. There will be affection, devotion and respect if you're lucky. Today, true love doesn't exist.

That's how I feel today. Tomorrow I may feel differently, but today, today that is how I feel.

And it breaks my heart.