Piercing noise and surrounded on all sides. Tripping over and ducking under. Panic wells up and I race for the door. Tears just on the edge but I breathe through it and find myself again.
But I’ve been too loud, said too much, embarrassed him no doubt. It seems like whatever I do isn’t enough for the endless checklist and empty pots and pans to rearrange again when I’ve screwed it all up.
Not just tonight or yesterday or before that but I’ve realized always. Miserable but he clings still, I know not why but for the sake of clinging. And from the misery comes so much that I can’t push the air out of me.
So I close up my heart and steel my nerves. Watch my mouth and the volume of my voice. Check the attitude and opinions before taking off. I’ve got nothing to say. I feel nothing. And it’s better that way.
Yet, there is always more that is needed…