Goddamn. Winona Ryder is fucking skinny. I'm watching Heathers now and remembering
high school. Not the nightmare it could have been but it was like a prison. I was never close to being popular with the people that went to that
school. I though maybe that if I had had more friends I would
have been happier. Then I wouldn't want to still hurt all those little fucks
who pulled out my hair or spit at me. I wouldn't have the idea that friends are just there to kick me in
the head and run off. Or for me to run off first. I wish I knew what I know
now. I'd have ignored all those people and focused on myself. Taken myself out
to movies and worked more and read more and slept in and learned to paint and
sing. I would have kept dancing. I would have written more. I definitely would
have ditched more class to have a little fun. (Cause in the end, it really didn't matter if I was sitting silently, doodling in my notebook in English class or not.) I wouldn't have dated the same boy all through high school. I would have met a
tall boy with glasses who would swim and run and make me laugh. He would make
breakfast for dinner and he would never stop asking questions and talking about silly things. We would
dance in Times Square and travel...straight to the Taj Mahal, down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and then up the Tokyo
Tower. How...very. Where do I come up with all this bull shit? Whatever. Time to
get going or get left behind. Whatever, indeed.
Well, everything is strange but what I'm about tell you about strikes me as odd. I never wanted to grow up. I never daydreamed about driving or going to work or having a boyfriend. I knew exactly how awesome it was to be a kid. (I guess I'm actually kinda lucky like that.)
My little cousin has some issues. She is highly intelligent and funny and goofy and sweet but also highly sensitive, awkward and, at times, fragile. She has a hard time making friends and the school work can overwhelm her. I see her get upset and cry about homework and therapy and tests and all I can see is myself. She told me, why are they forcing me to be like a grown up? I'm just a kid.
I didn't start driving until I was 17, mostly because I didn't need to go anywhere. I could walk to my job and I usually took the school bus to high school. I didn't see the reason why kids ran out the day they turned 15 to get their permit. When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would usually give them a stock answer so they would leave me alone. (doctor, teacher, etc) To be honest, I didn't even think about it. (And I still don't know, so don't ask me!)
Although I liked the party and presents, I didn't like birthdays. Going to middle school was a dreaded and traumatic event. No more recess! 7 different classrooms everyday! And none of my friends were in any of my classes... Why couldn't I just stay little forever? My elementary teachers would encourage me to make friends and play nice together. I could fill an afternoon with a board game or at the park playing Lava Monster without feeling guilty about 'not getting anything accomplished'. Coloring is encouraged. So is physical activity. Once you grow up, these things change.
Image via WikipediaSure, you say, that was nice but being a kid was awful! No one listens to kids! Agreed. I think it's all too common kids are ignored. It's an awful feeling that you have no control over the decisions in your life; your parents, teachers, councilors, etc decide things for you. But, to be brutally honest, as an adult, there are many times that I still feel this way. I'm in the same spot I was when I was 5. I can't take a weekend in Vegas cause the boss needs me here at work. The insurance company won't cover my new medical expenses so no new art supplies for a while. There are still plenty of people telling me what to do.
So what's so great about being grown up? It's lonely. I remember being sad and running to mom for a hug. She wouldn't question or even speak, just hold me and kiss my head. Do you have anyone in your life that will do that? I hope you do.
There are bullies, stretch marks, cruel boys and that harsh and pointy world out there. What is that compared to home and love and friends?
I never wanted to grow up. I wanted those long summer vacations, best friends and bath time to last forever. They couldn't of course. Talking to a friend, he told me how he imagined growing up, driving a nice car and being a therapist and getting married one day far away. He's the one that sounded like a freak. What 10 year old thinks like that? He said, every kids thinks like that... Hmm.
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