One down, one to go...

The holidays are hard.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the hardest. It's like the year, with it's last gasping breath, tries to squeeze the life out of me. No, not my life. My strength. My will to keep a smile on my face. My positive outlook.

The pagans believes that it was a time of death and rebirth. The days are shorter, darker. They would celebrate the last shortest day of the year with yule. Dancing, feasting, and all around merriment. Not so much of that here in the Quadling.

If I can just make it to the 18th... then it's off off and away in my hot air balloon until the new year.

Then it's all cocktails and rainbows. Bring it on 2009!

Celebrate the holiday season with...

• One - No, Two - Deaths at WalMart

Marr-wige!

Mariana believes in love.

Sappy sweet lovey dovey love. It's torture.

She sat on her couch, me zooming in and out of her kitchen checking the roast she was trying to burn, while she jumped from youtube video to youtube video. I knew it would be a long night when she turned on the Wii, booted up the web browser and typed in "Will you marry me?".

She spent half the evening crying and yelling, "Isn't that so romantic?" She watched the surprising and inventive ways all these men asked their girlfriends to marry them. I wanted to scream back "NO! Can we please watch Frankenstein now?"

So as a backlash to my evening of sappy and annoying love, here is a list of some "romantic" relationships.

• Burt and Linda Pugach

These two are a piece of work. Burt and Linda went out but when she found out he was married with a child, she broke it off. Like any rational human being, Burt hired thugs to throw lye in her face, scarring and blinding her. He continued to write her from jail and 14 years later he was release and they got married. Psycho, both of them. Thank the busy bugs and furry creatures they found each other. I know I wouldn't want either of them interested in anyone I cared about.

• Lana Turner and Johnny Stompanato

After Lana's 4th marriage she met Johnny at a nightclub. But once she found that he was involved in LA's seedy underworld she tried to leave. Apparently his charm and good looks were too much for her to resist. (that, and his giant shlong and his propensity to kick the crap out of her.) When she was filming Another Time, Another Place with Sean Connery, it's said Johnny became insanely jealous at the idea that Lana and Sean were having an affair (they weren't) and brought a gun to the set. Now Sean, being a badass muthafucka that he is, landed a "I'll mess you up homie."single punch BAM! bitch goes down and he takes the gun from him. (Seriously though, if your gonna be bitch slapped in front of your lady, wouldn't you want it to be Sean Connery?) I digress. On the evening of April 4, 1958 Lana and Johnny were having another knock down drag out fight... so Lana's daughter freaks out, grabs a kitchen knife and gives him a new hole. I bet Joan Crawford would have loved to have her as a daughter instead of that whiny Christina.

• Dan and Betty Broderick

He was an amazing asshole and she was probably a little crazy to begin with but in the end, he drove her to be one crazy hoe. It's the typical starter wife story. She puts him through medical and law school by working while she bore him 4 children and ran the house. After he graduated and got a nice big job (cha ching) in San Diego, she went on to be June Cleaver mom wife and caretaker while he banged the ex-stuartess secretary on his mahogany desk. Nastiness ensued. She flips out when he dumps her and the kids in a rental house so he and the receptionist can play house in Betty's home. Yep. And Betty didn't help her situation. Dan sold the house without Betty's permission...so she ran her car into the front of the house. She was awarded alimony of 16,000 a month which seems like a lot, until you realize he's making 300,000 a month. (so much for 50/50; Remind me not to get divorced from a lawyer.) So to get back, she smeared pie on their bed. He'd drop the kids off without notice. She would leave threatening messages on their machine; she said things that would make a sailor blush. In the end, the multi millionaire was ordered to pay his wife of 20 years less than 30,000. And then she went full on loony tunes. Got the gun. Drove to the newlyweds. BANG BANG. She'll be eligible for parole in 2011.

Ain't love grand?

An article that makes my point for me

• Beginning of the end for marriage?

Guacamole bitches!!

I don't cook.

I can make Raman and operated a microwave and that about covers all I can do. But that's all changed. Last night... I made... guacamole!!

I know! It was amazing.

Here is my recipe, still a work in progress, but I'm so proud I had to share.

a small handful of cilantro
3-4 cloves of garlic
1-2 tomatoes
2 scallions
2 large ripe avacados
1 chili (you pick which kind is best for you)
a pinch of kosher salt
a dash of lime


As you can see, I don't really do the whole exact measurement thing, which is why this is a great recipe! And the directions are easy! Chop the crap out of all the ingredients, minus the avocado (and if you like chunky tomato like me, don't mince those tomatoes either). Then mush the avocado to your liking. (I like mine a bit chunky so i cube it in it's 'shell' then scoop it out with a spoon then lightly mush) Add tomatoes, salt, lime and taste. If it needs more of something, add it! Make it yours!

I am so proud of me. You can do it too! If you like guacamole, give it a try and let me know how you do! Good luck my dahlings!

My eyes have glazed over.

I'm a bad person.

That's right. I said it.

I know I'm a bad person because sometimes I just can't listen to one more play by play of any sport event. And this is not just directed at you men, women do it too.

I don't care if that guy sacked this guy. I don't care if that guy used a super mega choke hold on this guy. I don't care that that car goes faster than the other. Die football! Die baseball! And you too Nascar, golf, MMA, hockey and soccer! I just can't take it anymore...

But it's a trade off. I have to remember that! I listen to them go on and on, hammering their fists on the restaurant table, "He didn't catch the ball?! Can you believe it?!"... and they listen to me go on and on about a movie I loved, an outfit I'm sewing, a book I'm reading. All of that must be so boring for them! Tit for tat, so to speak.

Then I wonder, is everything I talk about boring, especially to my guy who is forced to listen to me go on about the wall colors in the house, wanting to go to the ballet, a vacation I want us to take and so on, on a daily basis.

Then I remember a major rule: Men don't think about this kind of stuff. They don't over-analyze. And mostly, they don't care. Their eyes glaze over and they go into "uh-huh" mode. We could learn something from them.

Next time sports comes up, I'm going to take a deep breath, meditate internally and fight the urge to run.

I can do it, I know I can. You can too.
Be strong and unite sisters!
And if you can't... just drag his ass to the theater/mall/movies. Payback's a bitch.

Oh my dear Mr. Darcy...

There are some books I wish I could crawl into.

Pride and Prejudice is one of them. And I don't know why.

I crawl into Alice in Wonderland because I often associate myself with Alice. Not quite grown up, lost among the mad, searching for home. The characters are whimsical and ridiculous and colorful, even on the black and white pages. Everything is frightening but she is able to keep her cool and keep moving. When I was young, I thought that this was an attribute of all English girls. "Well would you look at that, I've grown to the size of a house. Oh how bothersome."

I crawl into the Harry Potter series, any Lia Block books, The Wizard of Oz and just about any faerie tale.

I have never been interested in Jane Austin until this book. I have never been interested in that time period or the language of that era. But this book has entranced me! I feel like I have arrived at the party a bit late... but better late than never.


Perhaps it's the unspoken rules of conduct. Gentlemen treated ladies with respect. Quiet visits in the parlor. People were polite and conversation was an art. But then again, the fiery part of me throws up her hands in frustration and screams, "What is wrong with you people!?", then runs over to Darcy and makes out with him in front of Lady Catherine de Bourg while giving her the finger.

Or maybe it's just the slower pace life went. Music. Books. Conversation. It sounds just lovely. There's time to breathe, time to think. Time for men like Darcy and Bingley. And time to consider, instead of fast moving, make a decision now now now!!

I know that Elizabeth is one of my favorite characters of all time. I want to be like her. (As you might recall my stance on fictitious heroes, she is perfect for the job.) She is smart, confident, defiant in her time and not interesting in bagging a husband. Nothing seems to bother her. When Darcy insults her looks, it's not devastating. She laughs him off as a rude man and moves on. What grace! And most of all, she's funny. She slips in a jab or two into polite conversation so only those most astute would catch it. If I were ever to have children, a girl, I would read this book to her so she might absorb Elizabeth a bit.

I know what happens. I've seen the mini series and the movie. But as I read, I still wring my hands in worry that Darcy and Elizabeth won't end up together. I yell at my book, "Get over yourself! Tell him how you feel!". But that's why it's such a great book; it makes you feel and get emotional about the characters.

But mostly, I love this book because through all the muck, human idiocy and heartache, two people come together and find love. What's more uplifting than that? (and to all you crazy Austen-ites, yes, that's how I read it. I think she did believe in love. Perhaps not syrupy romance or soul mates, but love? Yes. It's not all cynical and laughable. So bugger off. )

Could it happen to us? Perhaps. Who am I to say? When I get to England and meet my Darcy, I'll let you know.