Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Mariana believes in love.

Sappy sweet lovey dovey love. It's torture.

She sat on her couch, me zooming in and out of her kitchen checking the roast she was trying to burn, while she jumped from youtube video to youtube video. I knew it would be a long night when she turned on the Wii, booted up the web browser and typed in "Will you marry me?".

Boris Karloff as Frankenstein's MonsterShe spent half the evening crying and yelling, "Isn't that so romantic?" She watched the surprising and inventive ways all these men asked their girlfriends to marry them. I wanted to scream back "NO! Can we please watch Frankenstein now?"

So as a backlash to my evening of sappy and annoying love, here is a list of some "romantic" relationships.

  • Burt and Linda Pugach
These two are a piece of work. Burt and Linda went out but when she found out he was married with a child, she broke it off. Like any rational human being, Burt hired thugs to throw lye in her face, scarring and blinding her. He continued to write her from jail and 14 years later he was release and they got married. Psycho, both of them. Thank the busy bugs and furry creatures they found each other. I know I wouldn't want either of them interested in anyone I cared about.

  • Lana Turner and Johnny Stompanato
Johnny Stompanato with actress Lana Turner.After Lana's 4th marriage she met Johnny at a nightclub. But once she found that he was involved in LA's seedy underworld she tried to leave. Apparently his charm and good looks were too much for her to resist. (that, and his giant shlong and his propensity to kick the crap out of her.) When she was filming Another Time, Another Place with Sean Connery, it's said Johnny became insanely jealous at the idea that Lana and Sean were having an affair (they weren't) and brought a gun to the set. Now Sean, being a badass muthafucka that he is, landed a Connery at a Tartan Day celebration in Washing..."I'll mess you up homie."single punch BAM! bitch goes down and he takes the gun from him. (Seriously though, if your gonna be bitch slapped in front of your lady, wouldn't you want it to be Sean Connery?) I digress. On the evening of April 4, 1958 Lana and Johnny were having another knock down drag out fight... so Lana's daughter freaks out, grabs a kitchen knife and gives him a new hole. I bet Joan Crawford would have loved to have her as a daughter instead of that whiny Christina.

  • Dan and Betty Broderick
He was an amazing asshole and she was probably a little crazy to begin with but in the end, he drove her to be one crazy hoe. It's the typical starter wife story. She puts him through medical and law school by working while she bore him 4 children and ran the house. After he graduated and got a nice big job (cha ching) in San Diego, she went on to be June Cleaver mom wife and caretaker while he banged the ex-stuartess secretary on his mahogany desk. Nastiness ensued. She flips out when he dumps her and the kids in a rental house so he and the receptionist can play house in Betty's home. Yep. And Betty didn't help her situation. Dan sold the house without Betty's she ran her car into the front of the house. She was awarded alimony of 16,000 a month which seems like a lot, until you realize he's making 300,000 a month. (so much for 50/50; Remind me not to get divorced from a lawyer.) So to get back, she smeared pie on their bed. He'd drop the kids off without notice. She would leave threatening messages on their machine; she said things that would make a sailor blush. In the end, the multi millionaire was ordered to pay his wife of 20 years less than 30,000. And then she went full on loony tunes. Got the gun. Drove to the newlyweds. BANG BANG. She'll be eligible for parole in 2011.

Ain't love grand?

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