All souls to the front

Halloween is fast approaching and this year I find that I have an invite to several parties. And these parties are not any kind of namby pamby lameness; we are talking huge expensive shindigs thrown by people who love Halloween. A simple toga costume made from a bed sheet simply will not do.

I usually make my costumes. I am a pretty good seamstress and love to create. But this year I am smack dab in the middle of moving to my beautiful new house and i can't even tell you where my sewing machine is. So I hopped online to find something to buy. I come away from this experience shaken and disturbed.

I am a woman. I have breasts and long legs and a vagina. That doesn't mean that I am a slut. "But oh contraire!" says the costume makers! Slutty nurse, slutty bumble bee, slutty nun! Really? Oye.

I refuse to give in. I'm not saying that I won't show a bit more skin that I might on a normal day, but I will not become a characture of myself. I will be able to bend over without showing my Va-jay-jay. I will be able to lean forward without my breasts falling out. I will be able to dance without my dress splitting open.

Now I just have to figure what that will be. I like the idea of a pirate queen but are pirates played out completely? Maybe the Queen of Hearts? (I think the irony is too much to bear.) The Wicked Witch? Too close to the real thing, I think. Circus ringmaster? I got nothing.

I better think fast. The spirits tell me their hour is approaching and I must be in attendance. Any clever ideas?

Related articles that are really scary

• Ideas for Unique Halloween Costumes for Pets
• Watermelon Costume