Monday, January 26, 2009

Love is a many screwed up things...

mondyay hazyayI feel awful.

I feel alone and hopeless. I feel tricked and used and stupid. What's that about?

I love my life. I am so blessed it's getting ridiculous. I have a great family, the friends I have prayed for since I was a child, a beautiful home, amazing travel, great books, delicious food...

But no love. Not from a man. I have all these things but because I have no love I feel so sad. I don't understand. Why does a woman like me feel she needs a man at all? I have everything else... I get love and support from my family and friends. Is that supposed to be enough?

I am firmly of the mind set that believes that I don't NEED a man to complete me. I am complete without him. I lived before him and I will live after he is gone. I should WANT a man to share my life and want him to want me. There shouldn't be a NEED. Well, maybe after 50 years of marriage and I need him to open my medication for me or need him to help me up the stairs or to push my wheel chair... but that's different!

But here where I stand, I am hopeless that I will find someone. Someone who appreciates my strange and lovely way. Someone smart, funny, drug-free, non-violent with a clean criminal record and a good career. Someone single, that means no other girlfriends too. Someone mentally stable. Someone without excuses or reasons for the way they act so poorly. Someone who is proud of their good choices. Someone I can be proud of... and right now, I feel like he might not be out there. And if that's true, can I live the rest of my life without feeling like I've missed out on something good?

I'm working on being positive. Even though I don't feel it now, I have to keep telling myself, love exists. It's out there and when I'm ready, I'll get back out there and we will find each other. Just hearing myself say that out loud conjures the urge to yell "Bullshit!" but I'm trying to stay positive over here.

So here are some healthy, positive romances that worked out, fictional for now... mostly because I can't find any in real life yet... But I'm going to keep looking!

Charlotte and Harry
Ok, I'm a big girly girl when it comes to Sex and the City. The clothes, the drama, it's fun! And there are tons of gorgeous men in every episode. But for me, believe it or not, the hottest, most attractive, sexiest, sweetest, most wonderful man on the show is Harry Goldenblat. He's bald, short and hairy, but supportive, sweet, smart and he loves Charlotte for everything she is and has done for him. Charlotte was getting divorced from her 'Prince Charming'(the blue blood man of her dreams turned out to be just that, a dream.) and hired Harry to be her ball busting lawyer. He falls in love with her but she is reluctant because he isn't her "type". Soon, she finds that she could be with no one else. To me, he is perfect. He keeps a level head when she is flipping out, he always thinks she is sexy without making her feel dirty, and rolls with the punches. And her friends love him. That's a biggie.

Elizabeth and Darcy
They're stubborn. Their prideful. They are perfect together. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books and this romance keeps me going in 'dry' times. Both are good, deserving people but due to misunderstandings, acts of pride and good intentions, things get all mucked up. In the end though, they lay their feelings out to each other and find, to Elizabeth's surprise, that he is perfect for her.

Ornithorhynchidae-00.Jim Carry once said,
"If you go around saying, 'It's impossible. No one will ever love me. A good man is hard to find,' then you're saying to the universe that you don't believe in abundance. This universe that created the stars, galaxies, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon and the duck-billed platypus is quite capable of finding someone for you that has the capacity to love you, no matter what your situation is."

But that is Jim Carry... the man doesn't have the best track record with women.

More hope filled is a writer for The Guardian who wrote,
"So perhaps we haven't become disillusioned with romance itself, just distrustful of its ability to thrive in such a cynical age."
I hope I can get to that place soon.
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