Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Things have turned ugly...

Smoking Emotions

Sorry for all this personal shit but it's all got me thinking...

The Ex has been sending be a barge of angry emails as of late. I've tried to be calm and speak plainly without getting over emotional. I've tried reasoning and being understanding. I've tried being harsh and blunt. But just like our relationship, I can't help him with anything. He has to make a choice himself.

He's angry because he doesn't think I feel bad enough. (a theme for our arguements, me not feeling the way he thinks I should feel) He's angry because I don't want to talk about our relationship that is so over, over and over again. (which leads him begging for why we broke up and then me telling him again, with tears and yelling. I'm convinced he is continuously trying to get me to 'see the light' and get back together with him.) But I think mostly he's angry because I broke up with him. I just couldn't take it anymore. No matter how I felt, what I did, whatever explanation I gave, it wasn't good enough. I wasn't excited enough, I didn't think about him enough, why didn't I tell him earlier, why was I acting so strange, you never understand how I feel and I always understand how you feel, why can't you be what I need, my actions spoke for me and they say that I don't care enough, why can't you wait for me, you aren't sad enough, you don't share your feelings enough, you shouldn't talk to your friend about our business, I want a girl who is A, B, C, and on and on and on.

The emails go from lashing out for hurting him to him being fine, happy with his new life to him

The Eye

being sorry he put me through so much, all in a single letter. They are so schizophrenic that I can't make sense of them. He goes from "I don't want to talk to you again" and when I say okay, I won't, he retorts with "Way to fight for us! I must not be worth fighting for!" It's like he speaks another language and in his parallel universe, he makes total sense and I'm the evil ice queen from hell who hates him and doesn't nothing but hurt him.

I should have known. Why are we all such fools in love? And not just cute, silly fools, but dumbass mutherfuckers. I made excuses and held back the truth to protect him when I should have been protecting myself. I should have ended it a thousand times. When he lost his job. When he told me he wouldn't be getting another one unless it was 'up to his standards'. That he never paid a dime in rent. When he would rather play video games than have sex. When he was asking to have more sex after pulling a stunt like that. When he

death in Paris

would start fights, I would apologize, and later think, "Wait, what just happened? I didn't do anything wrong!" Every time I thought, "I should stand up for myself right now" and didn't. That he was jealous and upset that I made more money than him, to that point of overcompensation for his feelings of inferiority. When I would stand up for myself and he would come one even stronger to push me back down. When he delayed the start up of his personal business again and again and again and it never came to be. Every time he made me feel guilty for doing something fun he couldn't do, like go to Paris or the Caribbean. Every time he thought I wasn't 'there' enough for him. Every time he failed to cope with his desperate situation. When he kept certain things secret from me. When he wouldn't tell me what he was doing all day while I was at work. When we would fight, I would apologize and he would still make me pay for it for days. When he lied about looking for a job. Whenever we would argue he would hammer down the same point over and over and over and over until I got so sick of it that I gave in. When he wouldn't let go of things. When he would continuously blame others for the problems in his life. That he thought enough money would solve all his problems. When he refused to move ahead in life. When he blamed me for not being supportive enough during the 'hardest time of his life'. When I was so frustrated with his behavior and he would turn it around and make it as if it were me that was the confused one causing problems in our relationship.

But I knew it was really over when he told me that he knew exactly how I felt about my brother being killed in the car accident. I argued that he would never know; his sister was still alive. He had never been so close to violent death before. He argued that the falling out with his sister was very similar to it and that he has had people he cared about die before. We went back and forth and while he went on about how he knew exactly what it felt like, I knew in my heart that this person was all wrong and disrespectful of me and my feelings, manipulative and that I'm not sure I've ever met anyone so damaged, with so many problems.

It's hard. This is someone I used to care about. But I have to be realistic and take care of myself. No matter what, I know I'm a good person. How I feel and what I think are not wrong or crazy or stupid. I just want to know, why did it take me so long to see it?

And by the way, why now does he decide to fuck with me? Right before my first date back out there this weekend? Someone's timing sucks a lot.
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